You Are Divorced So you Are Guilty

Dear Huda,

I am 27 years old, divorced, I am writing to you as I feel like a complete failure since my marriage came to an end! This feeling grows with every social gathering, event , ceremony..I just see it in others eyes, I became more of an introvert I prefer to completely disconnect from the society… I even fail to find support from my closest family members…

Here is my story….

My marriage lasted for few months, my ex husband was perfect in all aspects, a professional who had a great job, very well educated, very highly paid, he also had a big house and a fancy car … The marriage was arranged by both families and we got married 2 months after his proposal to me .

Everything seemed perfect at the beginning, we traveled for our honeymoon to one of the best destinations , spent great time, got to know each others more. Life seemed like a bed of roses and was actually too good to be true.

The honeymoon came to an end and I was hit with reality especially when my mother in law started visiting us everyday. I knew her since she was a family friend and she was a nice woman, seems she changed a lot with her new role, she was interfering in every detail if my life and that is when I realized that her presence in our life is pretty toxic to my marriage. I felt she did not like me , she passed negative comments on everything I did and my husband that time took no action towards it!

Problems started leveling up and it was like living a nightmare! When it came to his mom he was so passive and she gave him a direct order to divorce me and the obedient son fulfilled the wish.. divorced me and I had to move back to live with my parents.

I realized after that I was pregnant that time.

I have given birth to a pretty girl who is in my custody and being raised by me now. I started working because her father does not provide any sort of child support! He got married again. This is not my main problem , but issues start when I moved in with my family, being a divorced woman in our society is like entering new cage but with a close strictly monitoring.

I left my ex-husband, and my mother in law behind hoping to find peace and support my home. But other types of obstacles came along the way, my parents seem to be more protective than ever….. I would understand if it is out of love but deep inside I know and I can feel it , we live to please others and look good in the eyes of others… their main concern now is how the society looks at me as a divorced woman, how am I being judged…

the stereotypes and the unfair view

I work a full time job and once I am home , I try to spend quality time with my child….my parents are very strict when it comes to outings with friends or coming back a bit late in the evening for any reason… My mom always repeats “what do you want people to say, how do you want to go out with your friends when you are divorced, you should not wear this and should not wear that because you are divorced…”

It is literally like living in a big prison… I am being stereotyped and unfairly judge by society and by my family just for being divorced!

 

In their eyes, I a m the one to be blamed the divorce and I must bare consequences…I cannot take it anymore, Please advise.

 

Thank you,

 

 

Dear Nadia,

Yes… this is very true and unfortunate in our societies…the woman is always to be blamed for the divorce regardless who initiated it or what were the reasons behind it, in this situation¬† even the closest family members, rather than being supportive, they sit to count her activities, criticize, and practice control.

 

I know you must have gone along way to get over the harsh divorce experience and to start a new life,

no doubt your family’s must be extremely loving but their reaction to the new situation is unintentionally causing harm to you.

 

As a strong thoughtful woman, you need to keep in mind that we are part of the society we cannot totally disconnect from it but we can somehow try to adapt to situations. All you need to do is communicate  often with your parents, remind them that they have raised you well and that you will never disappoint them. Try to involve a close relative or a friend whom your parents trust to explain to them the negative effect of this type of pressure on you and your child. You need to make a point that you need to live a stress free life, stress will affect your performance on your job and will be directly leaked to your child .

Try to make your parents meet your friends and know them.. this will make them feel a bit more safe when they know you are with the right company. Make them meet other women who are in your same situation but live among more supporting families.

 

Don’t give up and Good luck.